robot weasels have proven highly effective in preventing football hoolaginism. Football is known as ‘sokker’ in the US and unlike american football, is played exclusively by hetrosexuals

For decades, FIFA, the world body responsible for the killing of slaves in Qatar world cup and other minor global sporting events, have struggled with ensuring that fans across the globe are safe at these incredibly expensive events. How do you keep people safe without employing a totalitarian, Nazi style security infrastructure whilst at the same time blending said Nazi style security system into the background, all without using Nazis? The answer has eluded even the greatest minds since the first world cup in 1930 (eventually won by Mussolini), Albert Einstein was said to have gone to his grave before he even died, crying into his wire like hair that so many people died at world cups and that he was stood by his own grave. Despite being born 510 years before the 2014 world cup, Nostradamus was said to have had a terrifying vision of people dying at the 2010 finals in Germany, killed by sweating fat people throwing patio furniture. So frightening was this vision that he refused to exist for 3 years, only changing his mind when he had a couple of dreams involving iPads.

artists impression of Nostradamus holding an iPad, thinking about the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil

So serious is the worry that recent protests in Brazil over the cost of public transport might manifest themselves into crowd violence, that FIFA has spent the last 4 years exploring every option available to ensure people are safe and that nobody gets a polyurethane table to the face, live on TV. Beginning in 2010, FIFA tendered for companies to suggest ways of ensuring crowd control without being intrusive and spoiling the game, that could be centrally controlled to minimise costs and would be effective in deterring hoolaganism. By summer 2012 FIFA had a list of 3 possible candidates:

1. Psychic seats that would electrocute anybody with violent thoughts
2. Hypnosis shoes that would put people into a docile, trance like state should they go near any patio furniture
3. Big ‘pointy finger’ gloves that were laced with an anti violence compound called Fightol™
4. Enormous radio controlled robot animals that have laser vision and radar

During winter 2012 FIFA appraised each of the options during a mock world cup final game which took place in mid-air, all the players were paid actors (not much different to professional footballers) and the crowds were made up of ‘volunteers’ from the homeless community. Of the 100,000 tramps that made up the crowd, 8,000 were fed a Dairylea triangle laced with a combination of Vosene, animal growth hormones and Pimp extract- this compound is known to induce violent behaviour in homeless people and people with one foot bigger than the other. During the mock trials, it was clear to all the FIFA executives that had received a brown envelope containing $10,000, that the robot animals were the most effective. The psychic seats caused a fatal death like result in 100% of the candidates, the hypnosis shoes caused severe mental trauma and loss of vision in 98% of test subjects, the pointy fingers caused the wearer to cease to exist for the duration of the match and the robot animals killed and ate 100% of the violent tramps, regardless of whether they were pissed up or violent or not.  And so the action moved to Spain during early 2013, for final trials.

the action being moved to Spain by ‘MR MOVE IT’, a specialist action transportation service based in Melton Mowbray

“It’s really quite incredible” says Pedro Pedalo, director of weasel robotics at ENORMO ROBOTICO ANIMALICO (ERA), Spain’s second largest robot animal development company. Privately funded, ERA has been able to capture 54% of the robot animal crowd systems market since 2007 and recent investment from the lizard people who control the government, bodes well for the future. ” We have developed a whole new system for crowd control, the system is easy to set up, simple to control and has a 100% effectiveness rate since we began testing. Advances in smartphone technology now mean one operator can monitor a crowd of 150,000 people from an air conditioned control room located in a different country. How fucking mental is that?”

So how does it work? “It’s actually very complicated and straightforward. We place the brain of a weasel into a lifelike robot weasel body and and then place the weasel cyborg into a giant robot weasel version of itself (so it doesn’t get confused). The smaller weasel is able to control the larger weasel with a simple set of controls, similar to the controls on the SEGA arcade game ‘Space Harrier’, which are located in the giant robot weasels head. The smaller weasel carries a smartphone to which we can text instructions from the Central Control Box Weasel Control Office Box Office Room, also known as the CCBWCOBOR and in turn, an app on the smartphone uploads information to the CCBWCOBOR computers so the operator can make real time decisions on who to target next”. But why does the smaller weasel carry a phone, why not wire his transplanted brain directly into the system? “It’s important that the smaller weasel can play games during lulls in matches, otherwise they get depressed. We found that allowing them to play games like Loft Conversion, Paper Cut 2 and KAPONCE!! keeps them occupied and stops them crying”.

operators monitor realtime information from the weasel phone app, the employee on the bottom left is responsible for checking for unauthorised entry. Click for larger image.

So how will this work during matches? “At any one time there are up to 4 robo weasels roaming the ground, scanning the crowd with their laser vision and radar systems. Should the smaller weasel notice anything funny, he will navigate the giant weasel to the problem area and send a text to the operator. The operator can remotely link into the visual systems of the bigger weasel and assess the situation, sending the next course of action to the smaller weasel’s smartphone so he can read it, he will then carry out the action using the controls to locate the individual, kill and eat them. The process then repeats. Of course, if the operator is busy or dead, the smaller weasel cannot receive instructions to his phone, in this scenario they have been trained to kill everybody attending the game except the players, refs and linesmen and the match is postponed to a later date. This has a pleasant side effect of increasing ticket sales, which was one of the prerequisites from FIFA”.

So what happens if this article ends abruptly? “Dunno” says Pedalo, “maybe the universe will end or whomever was reading it suddenly decides to eat a small bag of Tiger’s nads?”

The 8th dimension of this article appears in the October issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine