Scientists have discovered how to activate the molecule responsible for ducks, meaning more choice for couples looking to adopt.

Sequencing the human genome has given mankind a deeper understanding of how the body develops, now scientists are looking to assist would-be parents who cannot have children of their own. Men and women who give birth to their own children can now choose the eye-colour, sex, race, face width and sexual orientation of their soon to be born child. Advances in pre natal gene therapy means that should they wish to, their child can even be born with an extra pair of hands or the ability to burrow deep into the ground. But what about childless couples? Until now, couples looking to adopt have had to stick to what’s available in the adoption pool, meaning more often than not, frustration at the “blandness” of their unnatural child. All that is set to change following yesterday’s announcement from Professor Colin Boatrace, senior clinician at the Mid- air University of Lancaster.

“We learned a lot from the human genome sequencing project, such as how to give children metal teeth or the ability to levitate small animals but up to this point, it’s been impossible to modify a child’s physical and mental attributes once they’re ‘out of the box’ so to speak. Recent breakthroughs have now delivered for childless couples who don’t want a normal child, those couples who are looking for something unique that will stand out from all the other boring children at their school, milkman college or university, now we can help those people too” he says with a sinister grin. It’s well known that here in the UK, the adoption rate for non-babies and older children is much lower than for smaller children such as babies or semi-babies and Professor Boatrace is hopeful that these new treatments will ensure older children are not left behind.

Older children in need of new parents are often overlooked in favour of brand new humans

Various studies undertaken by Barnados over the last ten years, have revealed many future adoptive parents would be highly in favour of duck shaped children or children that had ‘duck-like features’ like bills, soft downy white feathers or the ability to fly extremely fast whilst quacking. “We developed a special technique” says Professor Boatrace, “that can be applied to any child over 18 months and can quickly induce duck attributes and with only a very small chance of future problems”. The process begins when the selected child is placed into a small transmorphose pod attached to the end of a quarter mile length of hollow steel cable, the other end being attached to a titanium sphere that holds a duck in an industrial vice. The pod is then placed on top of a bespoke 500 foot high aerospace grade carbon pole with a 268KwH electric motor at the base, which causes the duck sphere, cable and transmorphose pod to spin ultimately up to 5000 feet per second. The bird wears a special pair of 4D goggles that beam episodes of Duck Tails directly into it’s eyes, whilst the hydraulic vice squeezes it’s body and electrocutes it, to extract the DNA. This genetic information is then fed down the cable, into the pod where it’s pushed wirelessly into the child’s face.

This treatment is only possible thanks to breakthroughs in nano-scale engineering

“The treatment is effective almost straight away” says Boatrace, “once the child has been safely removed from the pod and dipped in liquid helium (to induce a high-pitched duck like voice), the onset of duck attributes takes a matter of days. Within one month of the treatment, parents were reporting that their children had become obsessed with eating small pieces of wet bread and lying down at the side of the canal, keeping a close eye on dogs and cyclists, the parents as you can imagine were ecstatic. We have absolutely fucking nailed the it.” Despite being a hideously expensive treatment due to it’s relative newness it’s certainly encouraging enough for those looking for a duck child. It has even been suggested that the treatment could be afforded local authority funding in order to help stamp out back street gene therapists, whose often bargain basement prices can have unexpected results.

The government is keen to ensure only the best treatments are available in order to avoid costly errors by would-be parents

“It’s a ridiculous step forward” says minister for sex Simon Gandwich, “sexless and dry middle aged women or horrific old men can now have a duck baby, even if they are too ugly for anybody to consider having intercourse with them”. Fair enough.

This article possibly appears in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine