India’s scientific push for global recognition in dairy research took another leap forward yesterday, when the Indian Science Commission unveiled their plans for a powerful new cheese particle accelerator to be built over the next 5 years. It marks another milestone in India’s drive to become a powerful force in the 100 billion dollar global cheese physics market and shows just how far India has come as a regional player.
It’s estimated that state funding on cheese research is set to triple in the next 5 years with countries scrambling to be the first to discover exactly how cheese works and to use their advantage to dominate in the future marketplace. America alone has invested over a billion dollars in 2013, constructing a huge super computer to model how cheese behaves under crushing pressures, such as those inside the sun. The proposed Indian accelerator is (at the time of going to press), the largest cheese accelerator of it’s kind and will pose a considerable engineering challenge. Commission executive chief science officer, Gurpinjerat Keema explains further; “this is the largest science project India has undertaken to date and there is no margin for error- we must get it right first time or it’ll be a complete fucking waste of millions of Dollars and I might get my teeth kicked in by our lizard overlords”. All of us here remember the fiasco with the failed Bombay Mix High Energy Spectostrapy Microscope (the experiment failed because the $500,000 dollar a piece lenses in the microscope, of which there were ten, were mounted incorrectly resulting in warped images of split peas and garlic noodles- ed)”.
The new collider, expected to be completed in 2019, will be tasked with firing cheese at close to light speed before smashing it against a cracker, which is suspended magnetically at the end of a 25km loop. Scientist can then examine the data to work out what types of cheeses go with what types of crackers and which ones to avoid.
“With this new facility” explains Dr Keema, “we can examine how cheese particles behave at the sub- atomic level and use this data to predict the success of cheese and wine courses at parties for rich people, ensuring they don’t become embarrassed at having picked the wrong type of cheese”. We can also share this data with the Cracker Enhancement Facility at the Caltech campus in California, allowing collaborative work to be done on behalf of the rich lizard people who control the world”.
Here at Fact Hole, we think this new facility cannot be built quick enough and wish all those involved a speedy recovery from the car accident they are due to have tomorrow. We’ll keep you updated on further developments of course!
This article appears in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine and is copywrited to superweird47 industries and Institute for Cheese Therapy.