New smartphone app allows for full 4 dimensional control over any celebrity

Imagekickstarter funded app enables total control over any person living or dead or about to die

A new smartphone app released next month promises a new immersive gaming experience for mobile devices and is ushering a new wave of something technical, important, techniportant and importnical. We visited the London studios of SHOUTY LAB, the start up whizzkids behind the incredible new app, for a demonstration and a cup of scalding hot water loaded with artificial sweeteners (the full interview can be found here).

Arriving at the central London offices of SHOUTY LAB, you’d be forgiven if you thought you’d walked straight into a hipster coffee shop, full of people with trendy beards and turn-ups on the turn-ups of their jeans and you’d be right, because SHOUTY LAB as their name doesn’t even remotely suggest, have set up base camp behind a secret hidden door in a trendy coffee shop owners face. Once you have managed to gain entry, you’re confronted with a minimalistic room where all the furniture is made from vintage iPads and the coat stand is a reclaimed Peruvian homeless person, ironically wearing head to toe Paul Smith. Very modern indeed. We’re greeted by Earl “Getaway” Timpson, the 22year old CEO of SHOUTY LABS and the brains behind the company behind the idea behind the app behind the coffee shop owners face and as we later find out, behind an extremely controversial range of concentration camp themed ready meals.

Imagethe coat stand is paid £58k per year to remain motionless between 9am-6pm

Earl drags us through to the demo area and sits us down on a huge Fox’s Glacier mint for a pre demo briefing, “the whole idea for this app came from a conversation in my local pub” says Earl, “at the time, a throwaway comment by one of the locals struck a chord, in this case, my spinal chord which had come loose and was hanging down the bottom of my expensive jeans. The guy had said to me ‘bet you wish I could control your body remotely with my phone, so I could pop that spinal chord back in for you’- I was gobfounded” continues Earl, “such a simple idea but such a huge array of applications. Obviously, this was a groundbreaking thing, potentially worth millions so I had to act quickly. Step 1 was taking the guy around the back of the pub and executing him, so’s he didn’t steal his own idea. I then gunned the rest of my pint of Aftershock and ran home sideways as fast as I could, I couldn’t wait to get started on coding the app”.

Earl is visibly excited as he talks us through the next stage of the app’s development; “the first part was easy” he says, “what was the app for? What functionality would it have? It was easy for me to answer these questions- I wanted to be able to control any celebrity living or dead simply by using a £1.99 app for my smartphone. That was it. Simple. All I had to do to make this crazy dream a reality was get funding to pay developers, luckily my father owns a large chain of shops that sell large chains to shops and the lizard people, he was easy to convince once I told him what I wanted to do”.

Earl lifts us telekinetically into the testing room where employees test the game for bugs and we can quickly see that the game is generating a huge amount of enthusiasm, even though the testers have been working night and day testing the game for the last 6 months. “There’s nothing like this on the market” says Billy O’Drilly, chief tester for SHOUTY LAB. “I’ve been playing this for well over 5 months now and I’m still hooked, it’s incredible what you can do from the comfort of your chair or at your office desk, just yesterday I spent the afternoon instructing Eamon Holmes to  scream into people’s faces, before pushing them into the canal. What other application allows you that much freedom? Not even Grand Theft Auto 5 allows you that much freedom”.

Imagefirst person view screenshot from Billy’s Eamon Holmes session, here Eamon has pushed a couple of indian boys into the canal after screaming at them. The whole session can be recorded and uploaded straight to youtube for others to view later.

Effortlessly speaking in morse code, Billy invites us to watch Gary, one of the junior developers, as he begins a new game on one of the demo computers (prior to release, the game is run on one of several high-powered desktop computers for bug reporting). “There’s no waiting about in this game” says Earl and he’s right, within seconds of loading the app, the tester has picked Anthony Worrall-Thompson as his playable character and is starting his game. Worrall-Thompson is in an office in Hampshire, mid way through a conversation with his solicitor when the tester takes control. He instructs him to quickly stand up and sit back down repeatedly as fast as possible, whilst banging one hand repeatedly on the table as hard as he can, the other hand is told to jab himself in the eye and the TV chef responds instantly, with no detectable lag. The reaction from the solicitor is hilarious and it’s truly amazing to watch the fat cook bending quickly up and down. “There’s literally no limit to what you can do, it’s truly the world’s first real-time, real-life sandbox game with no boundaries” says Gary, shortly before instructing Worrall-Thompson to breakdance into the sea.

Gary invites us to take over but at Earl’s suggestion, we decide to start a new game. “You can pick anybody alive or dead” says Earl, “you can be as creative as you like”. We decide to play as our favourite TV star of the 80’s, Bobby Ball- one half of 80s duo, Cannon & Ball and we get to work. Controlling Bobby is intuitive, utilising the gyroscope and accelerometer in the game controller (like in all smartphones) to provide movement, instructions are recorded to the cloud where they are wirelessly pushed into Ball’s head. Bobby is about to cut into a piece of battenburg cake when we tell him to slice off his own fingers and run out of the front door, unfortunately, we forget to tell Bobby to look both ways at the road and we’re hit by a passing car, ending our go. “It’s just like real life” says Earl, “the characters can die if you put them in dangerous situations”. Taking heed, we start again, picking our latest playable character Linford Christie, who is relaxing at home. Using the inbuilt time travel function, we send Christie 10 years into the future and enroll him on a part time snooker refs course, before running backwards out of the door and down the street. Christie is a fast character whose speed comes in handy when sprinting into people as fast as we can, we use the microphone to instruct Christie to run to the nearest HMV and get him to try standing jumps over the racks of CD’s, providing gasps of confusion from the other shoppers. Their confusion turns to fear, as Christie begins to do push ups on the floor whilst eating a Back To The Future trilogy box set, before bolting upright, slapping a nearby HMV employee and leaping backwards out of the shop screaming. Interacting with the public is a massive part of this game and it’s gut achingly funny to watch as Christie tries to bite the knees of passing shoppers, before attempting to haul himself over a raised flower bed in the high street, using just his lips.

Imagefirst person view of Linford Christie eating the Back To the Future trilogy box set in HMV

All to quickly Earl tells us it’s time to end our go and we leave an exhausted Christie nailing himself to the wall in TK Maxx, it’s not lost us that this game is addictive as we begrudgingly hand back the controller. “It’s great isn’t it?” says Earl, “as soon as you stop playing you want to start playing again!”. He’s right. “This game will follow the freeium model, using in-game purchases to enhance the experience. Downloadable content will allow you to control the ghost of Hitler, bring him forward in time and haunt people in real-time or use the weightless upgrade to smash Sven Goran Eriksson into the ground. Future multiplayer modes will allow incredible celebrity interaction in real geographical locations- imagine using Steven Gerrard’s great, great grandson to watch Mary Antoinette fight the naked ghost of a futuristic dead Billy crystal on top of the Eiffel Tower, whilst other celebrities circle around them in the sky? Wouldn’t that be incredible?”. He’s right. Mind Control is slated for release in Q2 2014 and will be available for iOS, Android and next year’s Duxford Phone 47.

This article appears in the October issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine but will then reappear 3 years later on a crisp that looks like Jesus 

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Massive smartphone powered robot weasels to monitor crowds at Brazilian 2014 world cup

Imagerobot weasels have proven highly effective in preventing football hoolaginism. Football is known as ‘sokker’ in the US and unlike american football, is played exclusively by hetrosexuals

For decades, FIFA, the world body responsible for the killing of slaves in Qatar world cup and other minor global sporting events, have struggled with ensuring that fans across the globe are safe at these incredibly expensive events. How do you keep people safe without employing a totalitarian, Nazi style security infrastructure whilst at the same time blending said Nazi style security system into the background, all without using Nazis? The answer has eluded even the greatest minds since the first world cup in 1930 (eventually won by Mussolini), Albert Einstein was said to have gone to his grave before he even died, crying into his wire like hair that so many people died at world cups and that he was stood by his own grave. Despite being born 510 years before the 2014 world cup, Nostradamus was said to have had a terrifying vision of people dying at the 2010 finals in Germany, killed by sweating fat people throwing patio furniture. So frightening was this vision that he refused to exist for 3 years, only changing his mind when he had a couple of dreams involving iPads.

Imageartists impression of Nostradamus holding an iPad, thinking about the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil

So serious is the worry that recent protests in Brazil over the cost of public transport might manifest themselves into crowd violence, that FIFA has spent the last 4 years exploring every option available to ensure people are safe and that nobody gets a polyurethane table to the face, live on TV. Beginning in 2010, FIFA tendered for companies to suggest ways of ensuring crowd control without being intrusive and spoiling the game, that could be centrally controlled to minimise costs and would be effective in deterring hoolaganism. By summer 2012 FIFA had a list of 3 possible candidates:

  1. Psychic seats that would electrocute anybody with violent thoughts
  2. Hypnosis shoes that would put people into a docile, trance like state should they go near any patio furniture
  3. Big ‘pointy finger’ gloves that were laced with an anti violence compound called Fightol™
  4. Enormous radio controlled robot animals that have laser vision and radar

During winter 2012 FIFA appraised each of the options during a mock world cup final game which took place in mid-air, all the players were paid actors (not much different to professional footballers) and the crowds were made up of ‘volunteers’ from the homeless community. Of the 100,000 tramps that made up the crowd, 8,000 were fed a Dairylea triangle laced with a combination of Vosene, animal growth hormones and Pimp extract- this compound is known to induce violent behaviour in homeless people and people with one foot bigger than the other. During the mock trials, it was clear to all the FIFA executives that had received a brown envelope containing $10,000, that the robot animals were the most effective. The psychic seats caused a fatal death like result in 100% of the candidates, the hypnosis shoes caused severe mental trauma and loss of vision in 98% of test subjects, the pointy fingers caused the wearer to cease to exist for the duration of the match and the robot animals killed and ate 100% of the violent tramps, regardless of whether they were pissed up or violent or not.  And so the action moved to Spain during early 2013, for final trials.

action movingthe action being moved to Spain by ‘MR MOVE IT’, a specialist action transportation service based in Melton Mowbray

“It’s really quite incredible” says Pedro Pedalo, director of weasel robotics at ENORMO ROBOTICO ANIMALICO (ERA), Spain’s second largest robot animal development company. Privately funded, ERA has been able to capture 54% of the robot animal crowd systems market since 2007 and recent investment from the lizard people who control the government, bodes well for the future. ” We have developed a whole new system for crowd control, the system is easy to set up, simple to control and has a 100% effectiveness rate since we began testing. Advances in smartphone technology now mean one operator can monitor a crowd of 150,000 people from an air conditioned control room located in a different country. How fucking mental is that?”

So how does it work? “It’s actually very complicated and straightforward. We place the brain of a weasel into a lifelike robot weasel body and and then place the weasel cyborg into a giant robot weasel version of itself (so it doesn’t get confused). The smaller weasel is able to control the larger weasel with a simple set of controls, similar to the controls on the SEGA arcade game ‘Space Harrier’, which are located in the giant robot weasels head. The smaller weasel carries a smartphone to which we can text instructions from the Central Control Box Weasel Control Office Box Office Room, also known as the CCBWCOBOR and in turn, an app on the smartphone uploads information to the CCBWCOBOR computers so the operator can make real time decisions on who to target next”. But why does the smaller weasel carry a phone, why not wire his transplanted brain directly into the system? “It’s important that the smaller weasel can play games during lulls in matches, otherwise they get depressed. We found that allowing them to play games like Loft Conversion, Paper Cut 2 and KAPONCE!! keeps them occupied and stops them crying”.

NLC-Control-Roomoperators monitor realtime information from the weasel phone app, the employee on the bottom left is responsible for checking for unauthorised entry. Click for larger image.

So how will this work during matches? “At any one time there are up to 4 robo weasels roaming the ground, scanning the crowd with their laser vision and radar systems. Should the smaller weasel notice anything funny, he will navigate the giant weasel to the problem area and send a text to the operator. The operator can remotely link into the visual systems of the bigger weasel and assess the situation, sending the next course of action to the smaller weasel’s smartphone so he can read it, he will then carry out the action using the controls to locate the individual, kill and eat them. The process then repeats. Of course, if the operator is busy or dead, the smaller weasel cannot receive instructions to his phone, in this scenario they have been trained to kill everybody attending the game except the players, refs and linesmen and the match is postponed to a later date. This has a pleasant side effect of increasing ticket sales, which was one of the prerequisites from FIFA”.

So what happens if this article ends abruptly? “Dunno” says Pedalo, “maybe the universe will end or whomever was reading it suddenly decides to eat a small bag of Tiger’s nads?”

The 8th dimension of this article appears in the October issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine

Future style 2020: celebrities lead the charge towards the convergence of food, fashion and plastic surgery

ImageChristina Ricci wowed Hollywood when she replaced her own face with a mint imperial in 2012

“I’ve never been so busy: says Dr Plankton. P. D’hulich-riechensttzzxcksensks, “every day I have phone calls from PA’s and runners acting on behalf of a celebrity desperate to have a body part replaced with a food item”. Sounds incredible doesn’t it, yet these outlandish requests are becoming increasingly common, as the stars of TV, film and fashion look to further extremes to differentiate themselves from their peers. Every celebrity knows that their star won’t shine forever and you’re only as good as your last film, so what can they do? Science, as always, has an answer.

“It started in 2012” says Dr D’hulich-riechensttzzxcksenskssks, “I had a mobile phone call on my mobile phone asking me if I would be interested in doing something new, they did not give up their names at the start as they wanted total secrecy. They asked me if I’d ever consider replacing an entire face with a giant mint imperial! I couldn’t hear what I was believing, it seemed minty and outlandish, who on earth would want their face replaced with a giant crumbly mint sphere? I had experimented before with food transplants- in 2005 I swapped the face of a dog with a grape but unfortunately it died, because grapes are poisonous to dogs. Only when they told me the procedure would be for Christina Ricci did it begin to make sense, her face is so small they told me, that she wanted something that would make a big refreshing statement. After that, the floodgates opened”.

Floodgate_Tokyosome Jap floodgates opening

“It’s very hard for celebrities to maintain their spot in the limelight” says Dr D’hulich-riechensttsomethingorother, “audience attention span has dropped- the average lifetime of a modern style ‘popular song’ or ‘modern popular pop’ song is 18 seconds, children and young adults or even tweenyboppers have the average attention span of a housefly. Unfortunately they don’t have the vision of a housefly which is 120 frames per second. Which is  a shame really, If they could see at 120 fps they could avoid any conflict with lightening speed, watch their neighbours opening his garage or watch their own finger nails grow, all in super slow motion. Amazing”. It’s important to stay in the public  conscious so what can film stars,rock stars, film-rock, rock-film or frock stars do? “Well”, says Dr Something, “they have two (2) options as far as I can tell: 1. they can renounce fame altogether and kill themselves, 2. they could renounce fame altogether and kill everybody else, then kill themselves, C. they could visit me at my surgery and have their flabby stomach replaced with a huge Creme Egg or a toned, six pack style stomach of 4 finger Kit-Kats”.

GeorgeClooney_065909George Clooney recently had both eyes wrapped in Rolos™ and his mouth replaced with a bigger one, so he could eat more Rolos™

The endless search for fame and beauty is thought by many to be a cancer on society, ask the average man in the street or even the average man up a ladder on the street and they will probable tell you the same thing that they don’t care about fame, beauty or ladders. But what if Mr Average Ladder was able to have arms made of Curly Wurleys or legs made of Matchmakers? If he could afford that (them), what would that mean to him and his weird business? The public it seems, are more turned on to the idea than ever, a survey of 1,000 people and a talking horse conducted by telepathy 68 years ago, revealed 95% of people said they would have a Kinder Bueno for a chest if, they thought it would help them financially in the long term, 3% said they would consider having their eyelids replaced with Terry’s Dark Chocolate Orange segments if it gave them night vision and 2% died before they could complete the survey. The horse couldn’t answer because it had a sore throat 😦

“I’ve been doing food/face transplants for over 2 years now and I can ‘safely’ say that by far the most popular type of surgery is the candy bar look, popularised by the  gay one out of Village People”. Although chocolate is a popular choice, there are other foods that can be successful and highly fashionable, as Dr thingy explains even further; “just last week I had Shane Ritchie here having his back replaced with a Cornish pasty”.

SJPSarah Jessica Parking from Sex Up Your City had her entire face replaced with a giant banana, doctors carved a new face into the banana flesh to get this terrifying new look at the 2013 MTV Music Awards in Watford

“Of course there can be problems in the long-term, especially if you have an eating disorder” Says Dr *INSERT NAME*, “Anna Nicole Smith, a notorious compulsive eater nearly killed herself when she ate two-thirds of her own legs, which only 6 months prior had been replaced with Cadbury’s Flakes. Doctors could not find a replacement pair as they were the white chocolate versions which have been discontinued, her body rejected the milk chocolate versions and so they had to use 2 baguettes. Given her size, I imagine she will suffer from crippling achy bread legs for the rest of her life and of course, she can’t get them wet or they will disintegrate. Going near ducks or swans is also out of the question and there is a danger pigeons might peck her to death”.

So given that celebrities are often role models for idiots people , does Dr whats-his-name think that this new trend will become affordable to the general public? “No ” says the doctor, “i’m watching you and your family, goodbye”. Here at Fact Hole, we look forward to affordable food plastic surgery for the masses, it certainly beats looking forward to flying shoes, which still seem years away.

 

This article absolutely will vibrate in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine

 

Study suggests ditherers at the checkout should be murdered

Imageditherers are easily confused by flashing lights and computer noises

A new study by the Advanced Institute Declassé Studies Internationale, has recommended that ditherers using self service checkout till systems in supermarkets should be murdered. The study, which took ten minutes to complete, highlights several problem areas for retailers and till systems manufacturers and may mean a complete rethink of how you pay for your groceries. As Dr Graham Molasses of AIDS international explains: “for many of us, going to the supermarket is a chore rather than a fun, playful and sometimes sexual experience- something that has to be done quickly with minimal interruptions or hold ups. It can be a real problem for intelligent customers when they arrive at the till, only to be confronted with ditherers, unprepared people or even grossly overweight unemployed poor people, with 18 kids and a confused look on their faces”.

Imageproblems arise when people unable to comprehend simple instructions, are faced with simple instructions

For years, supermarket retailers have been gathering data related to our shopping habits- information that can be used to speed up traffic flow of customers, increase revenue, lower operating costs or help ensure efficiency in the multitude of distribution centres that are operated by ghosts. “Retailers want the shopping experience to be a lifestyle choice rather than a chore, people who dither at the checkout is a major concern for all the big players; who will shop at your store if people who can’t enter their PIN are allowed to use the self service checkout?” A recent survey found that 98% of people surveyed in the recent survey, indicated ‘mild’ to ‘extreme’ annoyance when they were queuing behind somebody who fannied about, when it was time to pay. Feedback from the study reveals that almost 84.5% of people would considered murder a fair option when faced with such a situation, more than 93% said they would commit murder if faced with this scenario during 6-9pm on a weekday.

As Dr Molasses explains: “we found that the number 1 cause of negative feedback from customers was based in other customers dithering during the various stages of operation. These included the scanning of items too slowly, being unable to comprehend what’s happening despite clear instructions on the screen, not packing each item as it’s scanned, not being able to enter their PIN number or becoming confused at entering their PIN number and generally just taking fucking ages doing seemingly nothing.

Imagepeople with large faces are more likely to be annoyed in supermarkets

So how do retailers ensure that their customers have a pain free shopping experience? Dr Molasses and his team have found an unusual answer when it comes to ensuring brand loyalty. “The main issue as we know” says Dr Molasses, “is that there is clearly a huge amount of people who simply cannot fathom how to use the self service checkout systems. This causes other shoppers to become stressed and these people are 47% more likely to shop elsewhere due to these idiots, so we have come up with a clear and easy to employ 3- stage system of checks to ensure these issues don’t crop up.”

STEP 1- Prior to entering the store, customers are given a calculator and asked to enter the number 2. followed by the plus sign, then another 2 and finally, the equals button. Customers are monitored throughout this process and when finished, are then asked to hand back the calculator to the store operative. Should the customer fail any part of the task or show any form of apprehensiveness, confusion or irritation, they are immediately escorted off the premises at gunpoint.

STEP 2- Customers approaching the self service checkout area are placed in front of a TV screen and given a buzzer. The screen plays short ten second video clips of various people stopping abruptly in crowded shopping areas, fumbling over their order at the takeaway counter and ordering their long drinks order one drink at a time in a busy bar. The customers are asked to ‘buzz in’ when they feel the person has become annoying and should their reaction times not match up with the control model, they are separated from the main group and filtered off to a manned checkout, where somebody will complete the entire process for them including their packing and payment.

STEP 3- Any customers who are using the self service checkout are given a maximum of 5 seconds to scan and pack each item and a maximum of 8 seconds to pay. Should the customer exceed any of these times, the till system automatically halts all transactions, isolates the customer in a drop down cage and summons the in-store robot executioner, who dispatches them by firing an electrified bolt through their forehead. The robot will then clear any items from the scanning and packing area and the till resets itself for the next customer.

“Employing this system” says Dr Molasses, “will ensure that nobody is ever annoyed by incompetent people at the supermarket every again”. So there you have it folks, expect to see ditherers being despatched onsite in supermarkets near you soon!

This article absolutely will not appear in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine

Pedophile crisps, Wolf-sticks and cigarette ice-cream: How the food tech industry finds the next big thing

ImageEver changing tastes mean food tech companies are constantly on the look out for new flavours

 Dan Titzenpappen is peering intensely at the bubbling contents of a 20 meter wide copper cauldron, I watch intently as he reaches down to a rucksack sized rucksack and deftly scoops out it’s contents with one hand, steadying himself with the other. “It’s all about the timing” he screams, “you have to put the mobile phones in at just the right time or else you’ve fucked it”.

We are stood in the vast research laboratory of Shallowgrave Foods International in Munich, where Dan is putting the finishing touches to a test batch of Shallowgrave’s new range of frozen pie fillings. It’s easy to forget when you’re tucking into a bag of their delicious Hot ‘N Spicy Kitten Bitz™ or a succulent slice of their Country Style Orphan Ham™, that the flavour profile, mouth feel and flight capabilities have all been carefully researched over many months of trial and error. The long development time is not lost on Dan who has come down from the towering cauldron via a complex series of moving platforms, like in Super Mario Bros. “This is the final phase in the development process prior to full scale production” says Dan, ” the mobile phone pie filling is due to go on sale just before the holiday season here in the fatherland, this product is aimed at restaurants and fun fairs and such like, it’s not meant for purchase by the public. It’s taken 2 years to source the right ingredients, which all have to be certified organic and 5 lives to develop this product- we cannot wait to fire it into peoples mouths”.

ImageWorkers check the quality of raw materials prior to grinding

“As consumers become more adventurous with their tastes” continues Dan, “the food tech industry has to find ways of bringing new products and flavours to market but in a manner that can be industrialised. If you were to buy a microwavable curry for example, that dish has many subtle flavours from all the spices but the consumer knows that each meal isn’t prepared by hand, it’s industrialised to ensure cost effectiveness. In the microwave curry example, most food companies employ automated systems to speed up the production process, in our case we have a mile long conveyor operated by monkeys who’ve had their skulls opened and their brains connected to a central computer. This instructs the monkeys on when to do what and rewards them with pictures of bananas when they do it correctly. Any monkeys who impede the process are binned, ensuring the line operates 24 hours a day”.

The history of food technology goes back to the late 60’s when large corporations in America tried to cut costs and increase profits by substituting expensive natural flavourings with chemically derived ingredients. They found through research that most flavours can be replicated with knowledge of chemistry and how the brain perceives how things taste and so the food tech industry was born. Kenny Rogers, food economist and part time night stalker explains; “in the 80’s you had 3 basic flavours for everything- cheese, milk and sour. Now, the only limit to taste is your imagination; you want Horse and Vinegar flavour potato chips? You got it. How about homestyle canal marinated chewing gum? No problem. Maybe you want something more exotic like cereal that tastes like brazenness? Done. There is no limit to what can be achieved taste wise because we are adept at replicating every flavour on earth with our technology. Some of the ways this is achieved are less than pleasing to the ear though” he warns.

ImageA factory worker inserts Jimmy Saville’s head into a cow in order to extract Bovinol, a flavour powder to be used in their range of pedophile flavoured crisps

Food companies are under constant pressure to make things cheaper to make and therefore cheaper for the consumer- it is this drive for efficiency that has led to the way we create flavours for use in food production. Wolf sticks for example, are not made from real wolves (partly due to the fact it’s dangerous to keep them on site), instead their wild meaty flavour is achieved by scaring caged horses and causing them to cry into a tube. The clear liquid is then placed in a centrifuge and heated to 1,000 degrees centigrade to separate the horse’s sadness from the essential horse oils, the oil is then combined with old leather jackets and placed into an autoclave which heats the mixture under pressure. After an hour, all thats left is a fine brown powder, which can be combined with Eel proteins to make tasty Wolf Sticks. Simple!

ImageOne of the few processes that have to be completed by hand, a Shollowgrave employee prepares to cut open Jason Donovan’s face, in order to access the brain meat. This meat can be used as a substitute lemon flavouring in a variety of foods

“it’s an exciting time for the food industry, new techniques for flavour creation are being developed all the time- next year we hope to bring a new ice-cream to market that has all the taste and texture of fags. I’m busier than I’ve ever been and my wife has recently left me because I spend so much time at work. It’s a magical, magical time”.  Having spent a day with Dan, we’re inclined to agree, so next time you take a bite of that Giraffe in butter sauce or dip into a bag of Szechuan Lady Bites, think of Dan and his team of monkeys who may have had more than one hand in making it. Lets hope they were clean!

Four eighths of this article will appear at ten minute intervals in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine

New gene therapy treatment means child/duck hybrids available to couples looking to adopt

ImageScientists have discovered how to activate the molecule responsible for ducks, meaning more choice for couples looking to adopt.

Sequencing the human genome has given mankind a deeper understanding of how the body develops, now scientists are looking to assist would-be parents who cannot have children of their own. Men and women who give birth to their own children can now choose the eye-colour, sex, race, face width and sexual orientation of their soon to be born child. Advances in pre natal gene therapy means that should they wish to, their child can even be born with an extra pair of hands or the ability to burrow deep into the ground. But what about childless couples? Until now, couples looking to adopt have had to stick to what’s available in the adoption pool, meaning more often than not, frustration at the “blandness” of their unnatural child. All that is set to change following yesterday’s announcement from Professor Colin Boatrace, senior clinician at the Mid- air University of Lancaster.

“We learned a lot from the human genome sequencing project, such as how to give children metal teeth or the ability to levitate small animals but up to this point, it’s been impossible to modify a child’s physical and mental attributes once they’re ‘out of the box’ so to speak. Recent breakthroughs have now delivered for childless couples who don’t want a normal child, those couples who are looking for something unique that will stand out from all the other boring children at their school, milkman college or university, now we can help those people too” he says with a sinister grin. It’s well known that here in the UK, the adoption rate for non-babies and older children is much lower than for smaller children such as babies or semi-babies and Professor Boatrace is hopeful that these new treatments will ensure older children are not left behind.

ImageOlder children in need of new parents are often overlooked in favour of brand new humans

Various studies undertaken by Barnados over the last ten years, have revealed many future adoptive parents would be highly in favour of duck shaped children or children that had ‘duck-like features’ like bills, soft downy white feathers or the ability to fly extremely fast whilst quacking. “We developed a special technique” says Professor Boatrace, “that can be applied to any child over 18 months and can quickly induce duck attributes and with only a very small chance of future problems”. The process begins when the selected child is placed into a small transmorphose pod attached to the end of a quarter mile length of hollow steel cable, the other end being attached to a titanium sphere that holds a duck in an industrial vice. The pod is then placed on top of a bespoke 500 foot high aerospace grade carbon pole with a 268KwH electric motor at the base, which causes the duck sphere, cable and transmorphose pod to spin ultimately up to 5000 feet per second. The bird wears a special pair of 4D goggles that beam episodes of Duck Tails directly into it’s eyes, whilst the hydraulic vice squeezes it’s body and electrocutes it, to extract the DNA. This genetic information is then fed down the cable, into the pod where it’s pushed wirelessly into the child’s face.

ImageThis treatment is only possible thanks to breakthroughs in nano-scale engineering

“The treatment is effective almost straight away” says Boatrace, “once the child has been safely removed from the pod and dipped in liquid helium (to induce a high-pitched duck like voice), the onset of duck attributes takes a matter of days. Within one month of the treatment, parents were reporting that their children had become obsessed with eating small pieces of wet bread and lying down at the side of the canal, keeping a close eye on dogs and cyclists, the parents as you can imagine were ecstatic. We have absolutely fucking nailed the it.” Despite being a hideously expensive treatment due to it’s relative newness it’s certainly encouraging enough for those looking for a duck child. It has even been suggested that the treatment could be afforded local authority funding in order to help stamp out back street gene therapists, whose often bargain basement prices can have unexpected results.

ImageThe government is keen to ensure only the best treatments are available in order to avoid costly errors by would-be parents

“It’s a ridiculous step forward” says minister for sex Simon Gandwich, “sexless and dry middle aged women or horrific old men can now have a duck baby, even if they are too ugly for anybody to consider having intercourse with them”. Fair enough.

This article possibly appears in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine

Magnetism in children on the rise in eastern Europe

ImageDespite a concerted global effort, Child Magnetism Syndrome (CMS), is on the rise in former Soviet bloc countries

Once thought all but eradicated like Smallpox, the number of children diagnosed with Child Magnetism Syndrome (CMS) is once again creeping upwards, leaving scientists baffled as to the cause. CMS was first discovered by Dr Plantain Finch, a noted Jamaican physiologist in the early 1900’s, whilst he was travelling former Tsarist Russia territories. Although he’s dead now, he left a plethora of information about the lasting effects of CMS on children noting at the time; “it’s mental. These poor children wandering around looking for potatoes to eat, whilst covered in low grade metal fragments, scratching their skin and causing sores all over their tiny faces”.

In the early 60’s a vaccine was developed by a leading paediatric consultant which all but wiped out CMS, except for a small number of isolated cases in poorer trailer park communities, where the children already suffered from low immunity due to all the incest. Despite this early success, CMS now appears to be making a comeback in former countries administered by the former Soviet Union, particularly in those countries where facial characteristics make people look slightly sub- human. As Peter Mitchell of Médecins Sans Frontière’s explains; “we are seeing an increased number of parents bringing their children to our experimentation relief centres literally covered in cutlery, tin cans and other metal objects. It’d be heartbreaking if I had a heart but unfortunately, I had mine replaced after I sneezed it out during a particularly bad case of Hay fever. Having to tell the parents that this new, vaccine resistant type of CMS can only be cured by having the child’s organs removed and force fed back to them later is unpleasant to say the least”.

ImageAdults who develop Adult Magnetism Syndrome (AMS), are much more likely to survive through to their late 40’s

This upsurge in CMS victims has left scientists perplexed as to what is the cause, what can be done to treat those suffering and and more importantly, eradicate the disease once and for all. The director general of UNOB, the arm of the UN responsible for monitoring human magnetism, had this to say; “I’m on holiday skiing in the Alps this week, please call back on Monday week or make an appointment with my PA Janice, when she returns from her holiday in 3 weeks time”. Clearly then, this is a serious issue that demands attention.

burning-at-the-stakeHuman sacrifice may be one way to stop the disease in tracks by cutting off it’s infection pathways

Peter Mitchell of Médecins Sans Frontière says we could learn from our ancestors when it comes to treating highly infectious diseases, “way back, people were burned alive to purge the community of disease and this could be our best chance of stopping the spread of CMS. We could simply gather up all the children and burn them in a big pit, like an abandoned open cast mine like the ones in Germany, we could even make a night of it with laser shows and guest performances by rock bands, face- painting and stuff”.

Let’s hope that we all get invited to the giant child- burning party!

This article appears in the September issue of Fact Hole internet science and nature magazine and is copywrited to superweird47 industries, Médecins Sans Frontière and Ferrero Rocher